Because We Can Both Win…{Marriage Monday}

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Gary Smalley, author, co-founder and chairman of the board of Smalley Relationship Center says this in his book, DNA of Relationships“Sometimes, by insisting on our own way, we kill our most cherished relationships.”

Its the old, “my way or the highway” kind of mentality. In truth, often the highway that is taken seems to be hearts that leave long before bodies actually walk out a door. Slow death. So slow that frequently the one leaving and the one being left don’t realize how faint the image of their marriage is becoming. This mentality can certainly pertain to all of our close relationships – our children, our family and our friends.

Dr. Smalley offers a great concept that will  put us all in the winner’s bracket. “Remember, you’re apart of a team. Therefore you have to redefine winning as finding and implementing a solution that both people can feel good about. A winning solution goes beyond a plan of attack that seems merely acceptable or tolerable to you both. That’s compromise, and compromises rarely make anyone feel good.” He goes on to say, “In a relationship there is no such thing as a win-lose solution. There is either a win-win or a lose-lose. No other option exist.”

It takes the death of pride to accept our way might not be the best way or the only way.

Because We Can Both Win

Let me leave you with one step of his seven to establish a no-losers policy. It’s actually the first step and certainly the most important because, when we get this step right, our hearts and minds are in the place to listen and work together on the solution.

Establish A No-Losers Policy: A no-losers policy is like a fire extinguisher that puts out a dangerous flare-up. It says to to each person, ‘You don’t need to feel threathened because we won’t go forward until both of us feel good about it….The worry simply dissipates”

“There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.” Proverbs 14:12 NLT


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  1. I love the No-Losers Policy! Thanks for sharing that. I’ll have to adopt it. My husband and I don’t argue often, but when we do, they quickly escalate. We each seem to always feel we are the slighted one. Compromise can be so hard. I can really relate to what you’ve said here. I need to check out that book!

  2. Carmen,

    Yes, pride is certainly a killer in marriage. If you aren’t willing to see the person in front of you and what they want and need, instead of just your own desires, things get very bumpy.

    Compromise sounds good, it works for a time. But someone usually gets slighted. Dr. Smalley has the greatest books. This one sounds like a must read.

    Thanks for stopping by my place. Good luck with the life coaching. It’s such a rewarding career.