The Foreign Language of Growth
“Carmen, you have the opportunity to help Lary be a better man.” When Gil, our counselor, spoke those words it almost seemed like he was speaking in a foreign language.
We married when I was only sixteen years old. He, twenty. By the time Gil said that, our marriage had long established behaviors (ruts). The concept that I should do anything that might make Lary uncomfortable or upset (on purpose) seemed ridiculous. I saved those times for when I was determined an issue should go a certain way. You know those kind of issues – everybody being upset seems worth it.
In Boundaries in Marriage, Drs. Cloud and Townsend just put it out there, “God designed marriage to be a place not only of love, but of growth.” Oh Lord, growth. That usually means pain of some sort. It sounds like they are saying that God expects us to help each other grow up.
An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy. Proverbs 27:5-6 NLT or, As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. Proverbs 27:17 NLT
Today we are touching on three of the laws of boundaries in marriage. I mean touch. Please take the time to dig in this book.
- The Law of Sowing and Reaping – “Our actions have consequences. When we do loving, responsible things, people draw close to us. When we are unloving or irresponsible, people withdraw from us by emotionally shutting down, or avoiding us, or eventually leaving the relationship. Our response could range from mentioning how our spouse’s behavior hurts our feelings, all the way to setting a limit on the behavior.”
- The Law of Responsibility – “We are responsible to each other, but not for each other. We need to avoid taking ownership for our mates life.” So, Lary is not responsible for my happiness.? He is responsible to me to be the best husband he can be. But, my happiness and his happiness are our responsibilities. “Spouses must refuse to rescue or enable the sinful or immature behavior of their partners.” For example, your guy gambling? Then “appropriate limits need to be set such as canceling credit cards, maybe separating joint accounts or insisting on professional help, to force him to take responsibility for his problem.”
- The Law of Power – “We have no power over the attitudes and actions of other people.” “We do have the power to start identifying ways you are actively or passively contributing to the problem, and you have the power to change over time.”
See, I told you it would be uncomfortable. I’m going to be honest, sometimes I just stink at boundaries. I am a pleaser and a peace keeper rather a peace maker most of the time. What I am learning is that when we don’t keep boundaries firmly, it’s uncomfortable anyway. Life just gets out of whack (is that a technical term?) and we all end up unhappy.
Let’s work on making those we love better people and humbly allow them to help us be better too.
Don’t miss the first “Boundaries In Marriage” post, “Because Drawing Lines in Chalk Seems Easier” You might also enjoy, “The Blame Game Can Be Deadly” and “Will You Fight For Your Family”
Linking with…Kelly Balarie’s #raralinkup, Holly Barrett’s Testimony Tuesday , Beth Steffaniak’s Wedded Wednesday and Crystal Storms’ Intentional Tuesday
Good stuff, Carmen! I’m going to add this to my Pinterest board – very helpful advice!
Thank you Kristine! I am honored. My prayer is that in doing that, others will be encouraged and marriages will be strengthened.
Great post Carmen. I have really been focusing on my responses to my husband as of late. I have noticed the more I accept what he says without being threatened, the more connected he feels. It seems obvious, but it can be so hard. Thank you for your words that inspire my heart to more deeply love.
That is good advice Kelly. Talking and communicating can make us feel defensive. I hate when that happens. It sounds like you have found a good way to remove some of that.
Boundaries in Marriage is one of my all-time favorite marriage books and the truths you’ve shared today, Carmen, are (yes) uncomfortable but so very important to our growth. If we want to remain in a rut in our relationships, then we can ignore these truths. But I choose growth! Thanks for inspiring and resourcing us!
Glad you visited Beth. Growing is good even if it is uncomfortable. Kinda like those leg pains I had as a kid. My mom always said those were growing pains :)
Carmen,
I love the boundaries series! I think it should be standard issue reading for life. You are right about the difficulty of setting boundaries and living in truth. However, I have seen the positive results of doing what I say I am going to do, when I am going to do it. My kids know I mean business and usually my hubby does too. It helps us all to know where we stand and how we need to grow and improve.
Thanks for your post!
Samantha
Your words challenge me today, Carmen. I’ve said before that I could fool myself into thinking I’m perfect (HA) if it weren’t for my husband. But there’s a reason he pushes my buttons: “God expects us to help each other grow up.” I pray God keeps using my husband to mature me.
Thank you, Carmen, for sharing your heart at #IntentionalTuesday on Intentionally Pursuing. : )
Girl I know what you mean perfection Crystal :) If my fella would just be like me! Of course, that would just bore me to death. We have sanded rough spots on each other for years. Hey wait, shouldn’t I be all smooth by now.
Carmen, your writing is always a joy to read. It flows with such a beautiful, yet realistic flow. I can’t wait to have YOUR book in my hands. It will be a joy to read and a reason to thank God. (And, I know it’ll bring a smile because you always do!) Seriously.
I’ve not read Boundaries in Marriage, but I fully intend to after reading your blog posts. It sounds as though it’ll be a life-changing, get-down-dirty-to-the-nittty gritty read. Can’t wait!
Thanks my friend. Kristi, this book is so uncomfortable. It just is. But, living without boundaries just never seems to work well either. I guess I will choose health :) I’m so glad you stopped by. You always make me smile as well.
Hi Carmen! I know that realizing that my husband isn’t responsible for my happiness always stops me in my tracks. If he isn’t, who is? Oh yeah…it’s me. And that means I do have to keep making those steps toward Christ and in my inner growth in the Spirit.
And that does cause pain sometimes! I admire you. You are ready to face the things that will cause growth no matter the path. Thank you for your witness!
Your neighbor at #RaRa Linkup,
Ceil
Ceil, I spent many years waiting on my husband to make me happy. He did pretty good many times but it was fleeting. I had to learn (the hard way) that I must trust God to help me find more than happiness. I needed joy.
It’s funny, Carmen, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how marriage is an opportunity for growth. I’ve been curious about this book forever. Thanks for sharing these principles. I especially like #3. We have power over our own attitudes, and we can change ourselves.
Yes it really is freeing Betsy to know we can change. Marriage has certainly grown me up in lots of ways. Pick up the book. It is so very helpful.
Great series Carmen! Thank you for speaking into marriages by sharing the realness of your own. So glad to be neighbors over at #TestimonyTuesday.
Oh Katie, marriage is just messy sometimes isn’t it? Thanks for visiting neighbor.
Encouraging words Carmen. Thanks
Thank you Sharon for stopping by for a visit. Blessings friend.