Because We Have The Power To Choose…
My actual words were, “This communication thing is not all it’s cracked up to be.” I really meant those words. Confrontation, even healthy confrontation, is not comfortable to me. More often than not, my temp must be at the boiling point before I express true thoughts and feelings when there might be friction. Are you a peacemaker or a peacekeeper? Matthew 5:9, NLT says, “God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.” Work for peace – action.
Marriage Monday in April has been taking a fresh look at the book written by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries In Marriage. Today we look at our last four “laws of boundaries”.
Law #7 The Law of Proactivity – Here’s where being a peacemaker versus a peacekeeper is needed. “Proactive people solve problems without having to blow up.” If you struggle as I do, (I say like me because I can still struggle with this. Grrrr) you keep silent until how you feel bubbles “over in an intense reaction.” In my quest to “keep” peace, I can wait until ain’t nobody having peace until I say my piece. Proactive people “disagree and confront issues all the time in marriage.” As I look at this in my own life, peacekeeping is really based on fear. The fears the Docs discuss in law five are a good place to start when deciding if this is the basis of your reactive boundaries. I discuss a few of those fears in last weeks post – Boundaries Bring Freedom.
Law #8 The Law of Envy – “Envy is devaluing what we have, thinking it’s not enough. Envy is miserable because we’re dissatisfied with our state, yet powerless to change it. You can’t set limits in marriage until you are looking at yourself as part of the problem and as a great deal of the solution.“
Sarai was barren. She envied the mothers who had babies on their hips. All she could focus on was her inability to have a child. She would not be satisfied until she had a baby in her arms, even if it wasn’t her biological child. In Sarai’s dissatisfaction, she made a move (Abram went right along with it) that brought great pain into her and Abram’s relationship. The promise was, “Then the Lord said to him, “No, your servant will not be your heir, for you will have a son of your own who will be your heir.” (Gen. 15:4, NLT) “We will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries onto what others have.”
Law #9 The Law of Activity – “…we need to take the initiative to solve our problems rather that being passive. Taking initiative increases one’s chances to learn from mistakes. Active people make lots of mistakes, and wise ones grow from them. When both spouses are active in boundary setting, when they both speak the truth, solve problems, and set goals, they will both grow.” And there is this that I love, “Don’t wait for your spouse to take the first step. Assume the first move is always yours“.
Law #10 The Law of Exposure – “A boundary that is not communicated is a boundary that is not working.” So I might have all kind of boundaries – limits, feelings, thoughts but if I keep them hidden, it’s just as if I don’t have a boundary at all. Yep, right there is where you will find some of my boundaries.
Drs. Cloud and Townsend say this so well, “When we expose our boundaries to the light of relationship we can be fully connected to our spouses. We can resolve problems, and we can take a stand to actively love our spouses by risking conflict for the sake of the relationship. Exposure is the only way for healing and growth to take place.”
Every relationship benefits from healthy boundaries. Maintaining them can be hard but our relationships are at risk without them. We cant’ break them forever without consequences.
Do you struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries? Are you passive or active in your relationships? While mentoring over the years, I have said many times and I say it today, you become healthy. You work on you. Become the best, healthiest you possible. Ask the Holy Spirit to empower you to be all God wants you to be. Your relationships will benefit greatly.
Enjoy previous post in this series at these links:
~Boundaries Bring Freedom ~The Foreign Language of Growth ~Because Drawing Lines in Chalk Seems Easier
Linking up with…
Kelly Balarie’s #raralinkup, Holly Barrett’s Testimony Tuesday , Beth Steffaniak’s Wedded Wednesday and Crystal Storms’ Intentional Tuesday
I checked in yesterday and didn’t see your post up, so I’m so glad I came back today (I’m 8 hours ahead!) I especially like Law #7 about being proactive. What a fine line between peacekeeper and peacemaker. I also tend to let things simmer until they explode. So much healthier to deal with little things as they come up!
Ahh yes Betsy. That simmering pot can get us in trouble!
What a great post! I can relate on so many different levels and failed at so many “laws”…I’m so grateful for mercy & grace! Thank you for sharing this!
Hey Amy, I am so glad you stopped by. Thanks for your kind words.
I too often fail at #9 The Law of Activity and wait for my husband to be the first to apologize when I need to remember I am at least part of the problem and hold the solution to reconciliation within my grasp.
Thank you, Carmen, for the reminder as you share your heart at #IntentionalTuesday on Intentionally Pursuing. : )
Crystal it is so hard to apologize first. Grrrr. I try to remember what is really the most important thing – reconciliation. I am blessed. My fella is willing to work on our marriage and that makes it much easier. Thanks for visiting!
visiting you from #RaRa…Yep! We are responsible for our we conduct ourselves, can’t pass the blame and make our spouses take it! You know what I have learned is that my husband still delights in being with me, in spite of all the times I’ve lost my temper-because I have been envious of his wisdom and self control…? He loves me, he loves being with me and I find great comfort and rest in that as I allow myself to be the one who is loved and ravished by a godly, loving man! Giving thanks for him daily.
Jeannie that is such a sweet, encouraging testimony for love and acceptance in marriage. Thank you for sharing here today. Blessings friend!
This is such an awesome series! Law #8 really spoke to my heart. I would benefit from being patient for God’s timing instead of barreling ahead with my own plans in an effort to speed things along. Love your words of wisdom, dear friend!
Jenni I can only imagine this struggle for you especially in relation to Cooper’s health battles. You are a hero in the fight against childhood cancer friend!
Love this Carmen! And yes, I identify with you and #7…simmering until all my emotions boil over! Yikes! Beautiful post. #TestimonyTuesday
Oh Ellen, that’s just not good is it? Usually when that happens to me I am tired or stressed anyway and then, BOOM! Thanks for your honesty today friend.
I’m not married, but this is so true…”Every relationship benefits from healthy boundaries. Maintaining them can be hard but our relationships are at risk without them. We cant’ break them forever without consequences.”
Thank you for your words. Visiting from #raralinkup
Yes Michelle, healthy boundaries are crucial for all of our relationships. I’m glad you didn’t let “Marriage Monday” stop you from joining in the conversation. We are all learning together.
I love the part about envy. I had not thought about how envy underlies dissatisfaction — in relationships as well as other aspects of life, including our jobs or businesses, how we look (i.e., body image, the clothes we wear) etc. But it seems obvious after you point it out Carmen: being dissatisfied with what we have, especially when we project the blame onto someone or something else, is actually built upon evny — even when that envy is vague or non-specific. I am looking forward to pondering where I can uproot some of this in my life. Thanks for another powerful post!
“Even when that envy is vague or non-specific” good point Phyllis. Sometimes it is hidden to us. I think that’s when our prayer for God to open our eyes during those kinds of seasons in life is valuable. He knows all and understands us best. Love you!
I can really relate to #8. It’s been such a long hard season and I’ve spent more time looking at my lack than looking at His blessings. Thank you for sharing!
Hard season can do that to us Barbie. Thank you for sharing your heart today. Blessings friend