Because Drawing Lines in Chalk Seems Easier
“A person without self-control is like a house with its doors and windows knocked out.” Proverbs 25:28, MSG
I can be over sensitive to Lary’s emotions. I read his body language like I am studying for a final. He told me once to stop reading something into every facial expression. I told him if he didn’t like me reading his body language then stop talking so loud. Now reading them might not be so unhealthy if I didn’t let his feelings and behaviors seriously impact my day. So, if Lary was in a bad mood and his day was aggravating, then so was mine. His mood decided my day and that’s a lot of power and responsibility I’m handing over to someone else.
I’m a fixer. Setting a boundary in a relationship is a wonderful idea. Just give me a piece of chalk so I can smudge the line a bit with my finger and scoot it over if things start getting uncomfortable. Have you ever noticed that most of us like to mark the boundaries in our relationships with those little red flags? We just pick them up and move them around. Once we start moving the markers and smudging the lines, who owns what gets confusing.
For the month of April on *Marriage Monday* we will be talking about the book Boundaries In Marriage written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. In particular we will look at the “Ten Laws of Boundaries in Marriage.” Today is a little overview of what boundaries are. Reading Cloud and Townsend’s book, Boundaries, changed how I thought about me in so many ways. Notice I said “thought about me”. It wasn’t about changing Lary. That’s God’s business. We can’t fix or change anything about someone else. It’s about self-control – a fruit of the Spirit.
“If I know where the boundaries are in our relationship, I know who ‘owns’ things such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors as well. I know to whom they ‘belong’. And if there is a problem with one of those, I know to whom the problem belongs as well. A relationship like marriage requires each partner to have a sense of ownership of himself or herself.” Dr. Greg Smalley calls it the “power of one”.
In Boundaries In Marriage, the relationship the Docs focus on is marriage. It will be a great refresher for me because, um, I am a flag mover. And when I start moving those flags, I get frustrated and unhappy.
Boundaries help us figure out who is responsible for what. They bring freedom. As we take a look at this book, we begin to see that we are not victims to others feelings, thoughts and behaviors. “If we can see that the problem is our problem and that we are responsible for it, then we are in the driver’s seat of change. For the first time, we are empowered.”
The Docs have made a list of some boundaries that protect our relationships:
- Words – They tell another person who we are and what we want or believe.
- Truth – Get a hold of the boundaries of truth God has set in our lives and also be honest with our mates about how we feel and what’s going on. I sometimes struggle with this. Have you ever answered “fine” or “nothing” when your hubby asked are you OK or what’s wrong?
- Consequences – Remember the law or sowing and reaping? I like this from the book, “If we just use words, others sometimes do not ‘get the message’. In fact, people in denial are deaf to words of truth. They only respond to pain and loss. Consequences show where our boundary line is.” Wow. This is truth, biblical truth.
- The book offers four more.
We will be touching on some highlights of the book but the book as a whole is full of detailed explanations and guidance on living a life with healthy boundaries. It is a great addition to your library. If you are a online shopper, the book is available in several different formats. Many bookstores keep it on hand. It’s timeless. Here’s the Amazon link – Boundaries in Marriage I refer back to mine over and over because well, you know about me and boundaries…
Next week we talk about the first law – The Law of Sowing and Reaping. Come back and join us.
Linking up with Kelly Balarie’s #raralinkup, Holly Barrett’s Testimony Tuesday , Beth Steffaniak’s Wedded Wednesday , Crystal Storms’ Intentional Tuesday and Suzie Eller’s #livefree Thursday
I love books that show us how to grow in our relationships. I’ll have to add this to the list. I’m a huge fan of their original Boundaries book.
Oh me too Suzie. I hope I get better at the boundaries thing. They say practice makes perfect. Glad you stopped by!
Hi Carmen – found your post as part of #livefree Thursday. I love the scripture “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.” Psalm 16:6. It always reminds me that boundaries are not negative. They are positive.
Oh that’s good Tamera. A scripture to post near. Thanks for visiting!
Boundaries in Marriage is one of my all-time favorite marriage books. I love most everything that Drs. Cloud and Townsend write, but this book maybe a bit more than some of the others. :) Thanks for sharing in such a vulnerable way how this book and its message is impacting you, Carmen. In fact, it makes me want to pull it back out and do some soul and boundary searching again. It’s oh so easy to “move those flags!”
Glad you stopped by for a visit Beth. Those two guys have spent their careers helping us mend our hearts, marriages and families. Every time I look at this book, I am encouraged to keep trying to be as healthy as I can be.
Carmen, I am looking at myself, hearing my “old tapes” playing about me not being good enough and then fearing that this wonderful man that I am married to these past 22 years almost may not love me or …. Yet he loves me unconditionally and reminds me of his genuine love, yet I still beat myself up, hearing others’ words towards me (mainly my first husband).
Thank you for this and I will be back for more.
~ linda
Linda, I just hate those old tapes from the past. Fear is probably at the root of a lot of boundary issues. Not just boundary issues but all kind of issues in marriage and life. Please do come again as we look at a few more things the Docs share.
So… you had me at “over-sensitive” to your husband’s emotions and body language… I’m notorious for this… like I’m on the lookout for the first sign of unhappiness and suspicious of even the smallest sigh.
Couldn’t tell you why it even started! But I’m brutal, lol.
And the thing is, he’s one of the most mellow, unflustered people I’ve ever known.
I’m so glad I’m not alone in this, Carmen, and I love the quotes you included… sounds like this might be a series I’ll want to follow closely ;) Very grateful!
Christine we suffer from the same syndrome! Haha! Please come again as we work through some of this.
I felt myself nodding at your words, Carmen. I never thought of myself as a fixer per se, but I do when it comes to my husband’s mood – scratch that – probably more than just my husband’s mood. I guess I need to add the “Boundaries In Marriage” to my to-read. : )
Thank you for sharing your heart at #IntentionalTuesday.
Enjoyed linking with you Crystal. Girl, I just try to fix everything. I am better today than yesterday. That counts, right?
What an eye-catching title! I love it, Carmen, and I haven’t even read your post yet. Excuse me while I go read it. Be right back….
I’m back. Good just like I suspected. ;-)
OK, this book has just been added to the “to read” list…and has been moved to the top with one swift stroke of the pen. You’ve done a wonderful job of presenting it.
I was nodding my head, saying, “Been there, too!” with this one —>”His mood decided my day and that’s a lot of power and responsibility I’m handing over to someone else.”
Always enjoy visiting you. Today just happens to be via #RaRaLlinkUp.
Kristi you always make me smile. You will not regret reading Boundaries In Marriage. Full of great information. Blessings my friend!
HI Carmen- So glad to be neighbors over at the #RaRaLinkup. Great stuff here. I need to read the Boundaries book- it’s on my list.:)
Katie the book is great. You will learn so much. Glad you visited today!
Sounds like a great book! I can relate to getting sucked into the mood and emotions of my husband’s day. I was just realizing this weekend that I’m getting better at sitting in “everything’s not fine right now but it will be eventually” mode. I can tend to blur lines and try to be a fixer. Looking forward to your marriage series!
Hey Jenni! Oh girl, I am such a fixer. I am trying to remember God is the one in the restoration business! Thanks for stopping by friend!
OOOHhhhh, You meant chalk lines…like to ERASE!! Not like the lines they put around a crime scene!! lol!!
Although, the way I react at times, definitely could qualify as criminal!
I think the lines as shown to us in scripture (And there aren’t too many, actually that I see) are the only ones to really set. Most of them being centered around honest exchanges with our spouses so we have open relationships that facilitate loving and preferring one another where we are in our Christian Walks!
Thanks for sharing Carmen! Blessed by you! :)
Haha! Christy you are a funny girl. Well, to be honest there have been times crime scene chalk lines have come to mind :)